Love, or lust...?

I believe that there are many different kinds of love - love of family, love of friends, unrequited love, the love where you’re loved in return and so on – and that it is never ‘wrong’ to feel them for anyone, although there are many circumstances where society dictates that it could be inappropriate to consider these feelings love. I also suggest that for every love, there is an equal lust that manifests itself in different guises and forms. It is not always easy to tell the difference, and as such many of us get confused, particularly as you can feel both at the same time, and one can mutate into the other.

I have recently come to the conclusion, that fear and doubt are the things that differentiate lust from love. Generally, the absence of fear and doubt indicates lust and the presence of fear and doubt indicates love. Basically, with lust there is a comfortable ignorance of consequences. With love, consequences are a pivotal factor. I’m not saying that one can’t worry about the consequences of lust, but I would suggest that this probably stems from confusing lust and love, (among other scenarios) which is easily done.

The functions of fear and doubt I would then argue are a ‘safety measure’, part of a system of checks and balances designed to make sure that ‘it’s the real thing’. If the ambiguous emotions we arbitrarily label as love survive the fear and doubt phase, they have earned the right to be called ‘love’. Subtle differences in the love we feel for different people keep this process complex, because in order to ascertain whether these emotions are genuine, it needs to be. We question love for the same reason a witness is questioned in court – we want to know if it is telling the truth, because an impersonator (i.e. lust) is no eye-witness.

I have come to the realisation that I am not, and cannot always be in control. I cannot necessarily find a definition for my emotions, nor should I have to. Yes, I have confused lust with love. Yes, I believe that I have experienced both. I believe that real love changes over time, but that it never evaporates fully. To have loved someone, is to have given them a place in your heart forever. And even though there is someone in residence in mine, despite trying to evict him through fear and doubt, as long as I can’t see him and can ignore the reality of the situation, the position of ‘Prince Charming’ in my life is vacant, and applications are open... :)

Liga’s life at this point in time…

As I blog:

Currently, at this very moment, I am moderately damp (owing to the wet stuff falling from the sky) and sitting in the second computer lab off Monash Drive, Melbourne Uni. I will soon be leaving in order to attend my Linguistics Tutorial.

University:

I am a 1st year Arts student, and am hoping to transfer into Arts/Law next year. For this semester, I am studying Ancient Greece, Anthropology, Linguistics and German as a Diploma in Modern Languages (DML). I love every one of these subjects to bits – depending, of course, on what we’re studying in them,, and whether or not I’m stressing over assignments that are due *L*. I’ve always loved learning, and always knew that I wanted to go to Uni, but I don’t think I ever dreamed that I would be as happy as I am.

As a way of life, I adore Uni. I love the atmosphere, the ambience, setting – basically, whatever you want to call it, I love the campus. It’s very quickly become home. But most of all, I love how I can be me. To explain – I’m not inhibited, or trying to hide who I am. (Something I now realise I’ve done all my school life.) I can make it clear what I like, voice ideas and opinions that I probably wouldn’t have shared before, and I don’t have to justify who I want to be. The result of which, even in these few short weeks, is a noticeable change in my attitude. I’m more relaxed than I have ever been in my life, and feeling more fulfilled every day! (All happy things ;)

Friends:

I’ve decided that it is ok to take my time making friends. That’s not to say that I haven’t already made any, but just that I’m not in a rush to know as many people as possible. I suppose it’s normal to group the people you meet according to the subjects that you meet them in, so I’ll just list the ones that I seem to be spending most of my time with here. David (Anthro/Linguistics) Rania, Nathan, Blake (Linguistics) Carlie, Justin (German 1B) Tristan, Jemma (Ancient Greece). That’s meaningless to those outside of my ‘cosmology’ as an anthropologist might put it, but there you are.

Dancing:

Well, exams are on Saturday. I’ll be completing my Silver Street Latin (Salsa, Lambada) and my Silver Bar New Vogue sash, (Tango Terrific, Barclay Blues.) I was actually rather miffed today, because I went to the market place at North Court Union House, hoping to buy a red necklace that I saw there on Tuesday, but the stall isn’t there. There goes that idea for my outfit… But dancing itself is pretty good. Terry has also made me (unofficially) amateur staff, and I suspect it is because of Shae (Terry is my dancing teacher and his wife Annalise, had a little girl on March 16 this year, Shae Annalise Robertson) and needs more help with the studio. I live 2 minutes down the road, and have my licence now, so it’s kind of convenient for all concerned.

Things that have (fairly) recently changed:

My natural hair colour is brown, but you can’t tell anymore. I dyed it red after the last exams of Year 12, then purple just before New Years, and for a Black and White masquerade ball on the Saturday just gone, I dyed it, you guessed it, black! And I like this colour. I don’t care what anyone else says.

3 Miracles:

1. On the night of my 18th Birthday Party (April 8), I dropped a set of shot-glass chess on the floor, from about a height of just under a meter. Nothing broke. It wasn’t even chipped.
2. I was running inordinately late for class one Monday morning, and was going to only make the last 15 mins of an in-class Translation test, worth 40% of my mark for German. The teacher’s brakes had failed that morning, and (no, she didn’t die) she couldn’t make it, so the test was held the week after, and I didn’t have to go through signing affidavits in order to be able to do the test.
3. I can’t remember. I know there was a third, and I’ll get back to you.

And that’s about all I can fit in for now. Enough, I think. It’ll probably all be obsolete soon enough anyway! So, ciao, much love to all, plus a little bit more to a special few who have no idea who they are… xxx

A new beginning...

My old blog has been laid to rest.

There are so many things in my life that have changed in just a few short months, and in many ways, I've grown up. I still have a long way to go of course, and I'm nowhere near being 'mature' or sure of who I am, but every now and then you have to just let go of the past. I'm not about to forget the events in my life that have helped shape who I am at this point in time - I'm a great believer in the past, and treasure all my memories - but my previous blog was full of regrets, misery and sadness. And even though these moments were fleeting, I didn't blog when I felt happy, and when all you see is the bad stuff, you start to wonder... All I could see when I looked back at my blog was whinging. I don't want to do that anymore. It's time to blog for me, and no one else. It's time to blog when there is joy in my heart, as well as regret. This blog is going to be the journal I always wished I'd written, with nothing but what I want to write.

And it feels good.