Have I The Right...?

Love hurts. It hurts when you are the person whose love is unrequited. It hurts when you are the person who does the unrequiting. It hurts when you love someone when you shouldn’t, but you do. It hurts when the person, whose very name makes you ache inside, can never know. When you know that you could love someone with all you have to give, and the only thing stopping you is that you might not be loved in return, your very dreams become your recurring nightmares. Love is a torturous path. This is not an imagined pain, it is something felt in every fibre of your being. The joyous moments, where hope’s embers glow, feel warm enough to ignite an everlasting smile. The moments where the embers are naught but unmistakable black, the warmth is extinguished instantaneously, and only a cold, futile despair remains. The greatest despair, however, is that love persists despite the absence of hope; and thus leaves you to flounder in a turmoil of emotion, with no lifeguard but the one you dream of to pull you out.

The object of my deepest affections, I cannot name. There is no one in this world aside from him that I would dream of telling, and even so I cannot bring myself to do so with words. Oddly, it is not the fear of rejection that holds my tongue, for that would surely alleviate the constant rising and plunging hopes. No, it is the fear that a confession might force a false love. So, my soul bears one of the most potent desires silently; persisting against all odds. Tears are held back only with the promise that time will pass, and that something has to change. Perhaps not for months – and even a minute passes slowly when wishes are playing on every moment of your consciousness – but the situation cannot last forever, and nor can this circular play of emotions. If one day, the gentleman in question has the fortune to read this, it will be as much mine, because I will have told him. Whether regretfully, long past any chance we might have had, or lovingly, in the hope that there is time yet for a response, I can only hope that day will come with a joyous heart. I love all that I know of you, and I love all that I have yet to learn from and about you. Sweet dreams xxx

Dream, dream, dream, dream, dream, dream...

It’s time again… where the years get tallied up, you get to eat cake and a birthday song is sung – in my case, occasionally in more than one language  I haven’t blogged for a while. Haven’t been in the mood to sit down and write. Then again, I’ve been on a massive learning curve, which leaves me little time to be as reflective as I’d like. Between being determined to prove myself at Uni this year, (and thus focused on work), learning how to structure a week (considering that I’ve been given certain responsibilities with dancing and I’m working all over the shop), keeping family together and developing a routine there, and being somewhat distracted in ways not necessarily work related (let’s say, socialising and looking for a bit of fun – yes, I’m learning how to have fun! *wink wink*) it’s pretty go go go. That’s one aspect, and another is that a lot of my reflecting is currently introspective and, to tell the truth, mainly on an ultra-personal level - not something I’m willing to let just anyone see. In fact, it’s bloody hard to put in words at all. Needless to say, it’s got plenty to do with my continuing lessons on dealing with the opposite sex, in every imaginable context. *sigh* enough said. It’s a personal struggle – something I’ve got to deal with. But, generally, I’m happy with the way things are going. I’m being outrageously acceptant of things I cannot change (something I’ve been praying to be able to do for a while now, and it’s a relief that needs to be acknowledged) and being positive where I can. I’m optimistic. Incidentally, I’m going to the Winter Olympics in Vancouver, 2010 (that’s not optimism talking, that’s a fact!) and I adore a Swiss figure skater, Stephane Lambiel. That wasn’t really a digression, more something that needed to be mentioned, and one of those somethings for which the ‘right time’ was unlikely to arrive *L* Anyways, that long elusive balance seems to be on the horizon, and once I’ve found my feet, there will be little to hinder my dreams!